I Can’t Stop Crying Over a Boy, I’m Depressed

Salaam alykum,

I am sorry that you are not happy, and I hope that God may guide you to the happiness that your character, actions, and heart deserve, insha Allah.

Please do not describe yourself as a terrible person, people will beat you up for free, there’s no need for you to do it to yourself.

I will not even question whether this was a Halal process or not, and frankly, I do not care, because it is immaterial at this point, a larger issue is at stake.

My initial thought is to ask you to think about that statement for a moment: you are distancing yourself from God, because of a boy.

I am not going to denigrate heartbreak, and I can only imagine what you are going through, but, let me give you a little advice, the only source of succor will come from God. I’m sure your friends, your family, etc will try to cheer you up, but those are not the tough moments, it is when you are alone, when no one is around, that you feel the weakest, and it is at that moment that you realize The Enormity of God.

God begins every Surah in The Qur’an (except the 9th) with the famous Bismillah ar-Rahman, ar-Raheem. There are various ways to translate it, the most common being “In the name of God; The Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.”

Now, why do I bring that up? We associate the word Rahma, with grace and mercy, and in English, while they touch upon the meaning of Rahma, there is something missing. So, in Arabic, if you are annoying your mother (which I do frequently), a sibling, or a friend, when they reach levels of just exhaustion, they may exclaim: “Arhamni!” (mother’s don’t do that, you ask for mercy when you push your mom there).

What does Arhamni mean? The easy translation is “have mercy on me!” But, there’s truly more to it, it is a process of not just bestowing “mercy” but as if you are covered by an affliction, and the process of mercy is that removal of that affliction, and the way that the word Rahma is conjugated, in that the Arabic language has a distinct way of making concepts into verbs or actions, the impact of this phrase, to me at least, is larger than simply “mercy.”

Why did I go into all this? If this can be said to another human, to stop tickling you or annoying you or whatever: imagine what this would mean if you asked God for His Rahma?

Now, I don’t know what happened, and while (you) referring to him as a boy makes me think that this was probably something that had no future to begin with (I may be wrong) the reality is that, he’s not around.

If he’s not around because of his own reasons, how could you trust him when you face hardship, are they just going to abandon you then?

If he’s not around because of something you did, and I mean that you actually did something wrong (to him), then realize that this is an opportunity to realize that mistake and that you must learn from this and move on.

I promise you someone better will come, you just have to ensure that you have improved yourself so that you can understand yourself, why? So that you can know what you need in another person, and what to expect from another person, and so that you may have a successful marriage based on fundamental and foundational certainties, rather than superficial similarities that we clutch at to attempt to convince ourselves that we are with the right person.

However, it will be your connection to God that will bring you through these times of despair, because God will provide you the strength to face this hardship and realize that there is nothing that you cannot overcome, if you simply believe in God and take the necessary steps to fix yourself.

For, The Qur’an says:

“God does not burden any human being with more than he is well able to bear” [2:286] Muhammad Asad

I promise you can get through this, you simply have to be honest with yourself (about your situation) and to ask for God’s help, you can get through this. You are not the first, nor will you be the last person who has experienced heart break, the only question you have to answer is: how will you deal with it?

Insha Allah, I hope this helps, and if you have any other questions, please do not hesitate to ask me. Oh, and not to be rude, and please do not worry about this (as I’m sure this was an honest mistake [my own mother calls me different names, in fact, she cycles through a bunch of names]) but my name is Osama, and again, if you need anything, do not hesitate to ask, insha Allah.