Why shouldn’t I marry a non-Muslim?

Salaam alykum,

I have said this before, but my place is not to be a relationship counselor, which I say because I am not educated in related fields and so whatever advice I will give you will more-or-less be that you would get from a big-brother.

Your previous message read:

“please help me i’m a muslim girl who fell in love with a non muslim. i’ve never had a boyfriend or anything like that i just need someone to help me 1. get over him or 2. figure out how to make him muslim 3. help me over being sad over him u know, which is the same as 1. i really like him and i think about him all the time. i’m 23 and i’ve never had a bf bc i’m muslim. i don’t even know how to tell if guys like me. i kno him for 3 yrs so far & i kno he is a good person. what should i do :(“

If I am honest, it seems that you like the attention of someone liking you, being attracted to you, and that’s natural, everyone desires to be, well, desired.

I’m not going to quote Qur’an and Sunnah on you, because there’s a deeper issue here. I just do not understand why people seek out relationships with people who do not share their core values, because ultimately you are going to be keeping that part of your life away from that person. If you love Islam, if it is something that guides you, defines you, then how can you love someone who doesn’t find value in what is you?

You are a Muslim, he doesn’t understand that. He will never understand fasting. He will never get why you cried in sujood. He doesn’t know why you admire The Prophet. He doesn’t understand the fundamental make up of who you are, what makes you you.

What advice could I ever give you other than to end such a relationship. Again, I will not even get into how you are conducting yourself, as that seems to be the sole concern of many, because that is the second level, the first level is you and you are ignoring that.

Ultimately, the point of your messages is to find some reassurance from me, but I am sorry, that is not going to happen. I would never recommend a Muslim to marry a non-Muslim, male or female, I never would.

Why?

Because love isn’t just having someone on the brain. It’s not about anything related to what people blog about here. “Cute messages on the mirror,” “when he smiles at you across the room,” fantastic, nice, great, but that’s not love.

Love is rubbing the back of someone you love while they are throwing up. When someone is in the most vulnerable position, when they look to you for a hand and you just don’t reach out, but you hurl yourself to help them. Love is about who you want to have as your partner to take on the entire world. Who would turn into a Hulk to protect you, who would prowl around you like a lioness warding off any harm.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it here: Love is something that should enrich your values, not compromise them.

This isn’t about “avoiding sin” this is about being honest with yourself. I mean, you wrote this: “i don’t even know how to tell if guys like me” and when I read that, alarm bells went off in my head. Sister, I don’t want a man to take advantage of you, and in my experience, men take advantage of women who do not understand their value, and you need to realize that you are precious, and that he should be jumping through hoops for you because of how great you are.

If he becomes a Muslim, not for you, but for himself, then that is a different story. But at the end of the day, the issue here isn’t about “sin” or what The Qur’an and Sunnah says, because there is a deeper issue than those regulations, the issue is that you are failing to connect with this person on the deepest and most important level, and you are only semi-aware of it.

Wouldn’t it be nice to say “Alhamdulilah” and have someone understand it? Not just know that it means “Thanks to God,” but to know its true, full meaning? Wouldn’t making plans via text be so much more gratifying to end it with a “Insha Allah”?

So why are you segregating yourself? You are segregating your mind, your concerns, your perceptions, your most basic assumptions. For what? For someone who pays attention to you? But are they truly paying attention?

It’s not different with him, you are making it different in your head and refusing to acknowledge that you are putting your life in compartments for someone, and to be clear I would give this advice to both men and women.

I would tell you to not talk to him, and I have very little doubt that he will try to leverage your lack of confidence in yourself (which you should have, guys are scum) and the fact that you enjoy his attention to compromise you and put you in positions you are uncomfortable with, because, honestly, from the very start he has put you in an uncomfortable position.

Has he talked to your parents? Has he shown that he wants to marry you? Has he stepped up to being a man not just a boy? I’m not talking about him saying these things, I’m talking about doing these things. Talk is cheap.

I just don’t see how you can ever truly love someone who doesn’t truly understand you, and that’s what this comes down to.

I pray this reaches you and your families in the best of health and Iman, insha Allah.